Welcome to Bill Henson's journal of biblically-inspired insights. Lead Them Home is the 501(c)(3) radio, speaking, and counseling ministry of FOTOS Ministries, Inc. Reflecting: to make apparent Christ's Love: compassionate words and actions for: that bless SSA: those experiencing same-sex attraction, and LGBTQ: those identifying as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered, or questioning. Our beliefs. Join the Conversation.

May 18, 2012

North Boston - Posture Shift

Thanks John 17:23 Ministries for sponsoring Lead Them Home's Posture Shift seminar. Thanks to all the church leaders who participated in this event.

COMING UP: Posture Shift, 9 am to 1 pm, June 9, on the North Shore. Contact Bill to register.

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March 23, 2012

Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary

Bill presenting on "Addressing SSA in Ministry" at Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary on 3/22/12. Tonight Bill will return for an evening of Q&A. This event is reserved only for GCTS faculty, staff and students. Thanks to all who prayed for Bill's message.

March 13, 2012

How to Reach Us!

If an effort to cut costs and spam, we are eliminating our toll-free number. You can reach Bill Henson at (978) 212-9630 effective immediately. Thank you. 

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March 6, 2012

The Weight of the SSA Struggle

In counseling parents, I attempt to rapidly cut through their focus on theological fears and causal factors. There often are more "urgent" concerns that we must consider if we are to adequately care for gay teens and young adults. The parents role is critical: these young people need their parents - right here, right now. Yet in a state of shock, it can be quite difficult for parents to move past early heart-piercing questions.

In this post, I want to share how church leaders and counselors can help accelerate (or shepherd) parents' transition toward effective care. This process - that often takes months without support - can be shortened to days by exposing parents to a gut-level view of the agony their child has faced prior to coming out and the fears their child must face about the future.

But first, a request of my gay friends. For those of you who have gained self-acceptance and support from loved ones, I will never discredit or question your happy life. Likewise, I ask that you not discredit those who are hurting. While it may be trendy to deny the pain of growing up gay, we must not naively assume that all people who experience SSA have had it easy - much less that all of them can accept a pro-gay belief.

Let's take a typical 21-year old Christian who experiences exclusive SSA. He has been raised in a conservative faith setting. She feels a deep inner battle between her desires and her faith. He worries about acceptance from family. She frets over what her closest friends will think. He despises himself. 

He is not just depressed. She is not just hopeless. He is not just fearful. She is not just trapped in a tight box. He is not just suicidal. In so many cases, these emotions have been converging and building up for years. The accumulation of silent and unrelenting pain often takes quite a toll on young people. Thus, we fail to care if we start with where they are today. We must consider what they have already been through. 

It's the 5 year old boy who played ball but inwardly felt different from - or outside the world of - other boys. He lacked the language to convey this inner discomfort that ultimately tormented him for years. His silent pain was often labeled obedient, sensitive or shy. 

It's the 8 year old girl who seemingly had girlfriends but inwardly never connected or assimilated with her same-gender peers. People assume this experience is isolated to "tom boys" but the reality is that many SSA young women who exhibit feminine qualities and interests also report having had similar experiences. Many of these girls report being rejected by other girls - or being hurt by boys.

It's the boy who by age 11 has repeatedly suffered teasing, bullying and exclusion. In many cases, the bullying was benign enough (or sufficiently hidden such) that it was missed by teachers and parents. Yet these messages wreaked their havoc - "you are different than us" or "we don't see you as a real boy." The many gay teen suicides teach us that bullying often is much more overt and yet still missed. One young teen was told "go hang yourself" after years of being bullied. He went home and did just that. This world can be cruel.

It's the girl who at age 14 suddenly imagined the pleasure of being held or kissed by another girl. She quickly surmised: "The thing that no one should EVER choose - it is inside me. I cannot EVER be that kind of person." At a young age, she chartered a lonely mission to hide, deny, out run and escape SSA.

We are now back in time at the moment of their greatest need as they cave into a coping mechanism called repression. His parents can NEVER know. Her church pastors can NEVER know. No one can ever know! Outsiders see his acts of repression as purity, politeness, humility or maturity. Unnoticed is all the self-effort involved in covering up her emotional, mental and spiritual shame. This is the slow process by which SSA teens begin shutting down their inner self that is supposed to be springing into life.

SSA teens often cover up this pain by seeking other kinds of affirmation. They study the Bible a lot or they go on a mission trip or they perform highly in school. Unfortunately, it is our evangelical children who may have the deepest motivation to please us - and God - by turning off their internal system. 

For a while - months or even years - life can seem to work. Social relationships, fun experiences, godly endeavors and high performance can cover up a lot of pain. Parents and church leaders alike think everything is fine. In my own case, alcohol covered up a lot of my pain as a teen. As I grew tired of waking up sick, I switched to academic performance and working out to unleash the torrent of emotional pain inside me. So there is the super-kid and the self-destructive kid - both attempting to outrun their inner pain. 

These teens will eventually grow into the typical 21-year old Christian who experiences a grand realization: "People say I chose this but I did NOT choose it. And: it is NOT going away. I am exhausted. I cannot function. I have no life. No one knows me. If they did, they would not be happy with me. I might be rejected by my parents. I might be condemned by my church. I might be one of the forsaken ones predestined for destruction - I might be condemned already by God! Is death really that much more painful than this life?"

Do you feel the weight of their struggle?  This is humbling...

This "giving up" stage is a dangerous point where suicide is an extremely real risk. It is at this stage that the ONLY way to help save a young person's life is emergency resuscitation. Rather than the medical kind, I am speaking of the conveyance of intense emotional, relational and spiritual affirmations that offer unconditional love and unquestioned acceptance. We love you and we are here for you no matter what...

I am not suggesting that parents become pro-gay (just to be clear). I am suggesting a "posture" shift - a radical repositioning of our actions, attitudes and words that move beyond the theological (moralizing) and the psychological (finding a cause) to address their needs. This posture involves parents bleeding - as on the way to a cross - and laying down their lives for the sake of their child. To absorb his pain; to openly discuss her desires; and to recognize that homosexuality is not just about sex but also a complex romantic and emotional drive. Yes, a sinful drive according to the Bible, but nonetheless a very real one that will be quite difficult to live with - or without. How difficult will it be?

To answer this question, I think we need to look in the mirror. Fact: a material percentage (40-80%) of evangelical born-again adult men with a biblical route to sexual expression via heterosexual marriage are struggling to contain their sexuality within the covenant of marriage due to pornography. We so easily tell gay teens at the peak of their sexual and romantic longings to say NO even as the majority heterosexual adult world fails to say no - with the provision of biblical sexual expression! This should humble us. 

Sadly, attempts to turn off these desires often result in young people also shutting down major operating systems critical for a hopeful and fulfilling life. We entirely miss how painful it would be to face this reality - not for a season, but possibly for an entire life time. This is where it gets really tough. Someone aged 45 might be able to imagine a life span of singleness. To do this at 18 or 21 - that's extremely difficult. Yet even if they achieve celibacy, they may still experience overt and passive acts of judgment and feel misunderstood by their church leaders. The weight is not just about the past, but also about what the future holds...

My deepest compassion does not change my theology. It does, however, radically change my posture. We, the church of Jesus Christ, must radically change the way we care for LGBT/SSA teens and young adults. It starts with considering the cumulative weight they carry. We must look into their history and imagine their future in order to gain the understanding and compassion to walk humbly and lovingly with them right where they are today. Let us be faithful to walk with them - no matter what. Amen.     

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March 1, 2012

2011 Ministry & Income Report

Here is Lead Them Home's 2011 Ministry & Income Report. On behalf of our board of directors, we want to express sincere gratitude to Church Partners, Individual Donors and the churches, ministries and families that we serve. 2012 is off to a great start and we pray that you will support us with your prayers and gifts throughout the year. For those who may be interested, you can support us monthly via automatic credit or debit payments that make giving easy. All gifts are tax-deductible. Join us in thanking God for growing our funding supporters and those we serve.

February 16, 2012

When Men Lord Over Boys

I have watched - over many years - the reaction to men who have come out of homosexuality through the power of Christ and entered heterosexual marriage. While many LGBT leaders have cried fraud, many evangelical groups have used such stories to prop up culture war arguments against LGBT people.

Lost in this clash is a sad reality: the "former gay man - now heterosexual husband" story is often misunderstood and misused. It is misunderstood in that this kind of testimony falsely fuels the notion that most gay men can become "straight" if they really want to. In reality, most people who experience SSA by their teens will carry such attractions - regardless of beliefs and behaviors - throughout their lifespan.

Unfortunately, this easy-ism - that we might call "change" or "healing" - becomes an albatross around the hearts of teens and young adults who experience SSA. Some church leaders, parents and counselors end up projecting easy paths forward that are NOT easy at all. This misuse becomes a serious risk factor for young people leaving the church, distrusting family, or possibly even giving up on life altogether. 

For this reason, I am quite cautious about when, where, with whom and how to share my story. I often preface my story with numerous caveats intended to caution evangelicals against lording it over LGBT teens and young adults. To avoid this mistake, I think the number one ingredient is remembrance.

Thankfully one gift God has given me is the ability to remember previous stages of life: specifically, the emotions, feelings, fears, doubts and anxieties that I once carried. This, by God's grace, equips me to walk with younger folks in a spirit of compassion for their hurts and confidence in God's sovereignty over the short- and long-term of their lives. All parents, counselors and church leaders overseeing the spiritual and emotional care of LGBT/SSA youth and young adults must possess a degree of remembrance.

I remember 18! I loved God. I loved my parents. And, I was a hopeless romantic hungry to share love and intimacy with another man. By the time I was 24, after nearly 12 years of repression, all this energy "came out." Honestly, at that time, there was no stopping it. No claim, passage, teaching or warning could eclipse the power of my desire to express romantic love.  I was determined to experience what I had denied myself of for so many years.

Prior to coming out, I had already attempted to embrace the idea of never experiencing romantic love for an entire lifetime. This reality had slowly taken away my hope over a decade, and I eventually became suicidal. 

I remember.

Today, I am 45 years old. The thought of surrendering my right to express romance in a same-gender relationship is not nearly the burden it once was. Time, life experiences and the journey of discovering God have allowed me to wrestle over this burden and eventually come to a peaceful place of acceptance. This peace was not an easy one - it has been a costly peace that has taken years to arrive at. 

The single factor that made this possible in my life was the invasion of God's Holy Spirit into my heart at age 29. Without that experience, who can stand against the power of desire? No one. In fact, many of us - gay and heterosexual people alike - struggle to contain sexuality within the biblical box even with God's Spirit. I am not suggesting this is right - this is simply a statistical fact. I like to keep it a level playing field...    

It bothers me, then, that we often use the testimonies of older men to prevent teens and younger adults from entering same-gender relationships. We lord this kind of story over them with coercion, warning, judgment and insensitivity. We misrepresent the "ease" of letting go of SSA for an entire lifetime. We over promise the potential for them to experience heterosexual desire. We fail to listen, understand and validate the pain and fear they experience. And, we do not remember what it was like when we were young: how powerful romantic inclination was in our own life. 

I am not perfect, but my heart desire is to have nothing to do with this kind of emotional and spiritual torture. I cannot say that same-gender relationships are pleasing to God. The biblical record is clear about this both in what is said and what is not said about homosexuality. Beyond that, it does not shock me that teens and young adults struggle to accept the idea of giving up their romantic inklings for a potential life of loneliness - for the rest of their long lives. This is a human response, not a sinful one. This is a common response, not a unique one to LGBT persons.

For this reason, I am determined to walk with teens and young adults "where they are" and focus on offering them unconditional acceptance rather than demanding that they accept my beliefs. What good will it be to coerce righteousness in others through religious pressure? Such as approach all too often produces legalism that fails to lead people to Christ. Rather, it forces them further into self-effort and exhaustion. The more authentic and redemptive witness is to prove to young people that God will never leave them nor forsake them. This is not a method or an approach but a way of living before God and others. 

To close, God despises every attempt to lord religion over others. Listen to Ezekiel 34:4: "You have not strengthened the weak or healed the sick or bound up the injured. You have not brought back the strays or searched for the lost. You have ruled them harshly and brutally." Following the fingerprints and footsteps of our Good Shepherd,  let us be a people who rescue, hold, comfort, listen to, assure and prove through every action, attitude and word that we will love our LGBT/SSA young people right where they are. 

No matter what...   

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January 27, 2012

ECWR and Goss Clarification

I have received nearly a dozen complaints about my last post. Many have read into my post things that I did not say and overlooked other things that I did say. I would like to address each complaint here. 

The ECWR website has never referred anyone to Goss!

Answer: It does refer people to Goss. You can see for yourself by locating the fifth resource listed under Book Reviews at http://ecwr.org/resources/the-bible-and-homosexuality.html, as of January 27, 2012. 

The ECWR website does NOT refer to Queering Christ or the quote in your post. 

Answer: In my post, I did not say that the ECWR website includes a reference to Queering Christ or the quote in my last post. I said that the ECWR website "positively refers" people to Goss as a resource. I think that is dangerous, and I will explain why I feel so strongly about this in the next question.

Why are you freaking out over one mention of Goss on the ECWR website?

Answer: I run across a wide spectrum of individuals who experience SSA. Some lack much exposure to faith. Others are LGBT persons who identify as gay Christians. Others are SSA strugglers who believe that acting upon their sexual inclinations would be sinful. When my ministry can in any way nourish faith identity and provide pastoral care, that help is readily available to this spectrum of individuals. To be clear, the "help" is NOT assisting persons to change from gay to straight (which I believe is very elusive), but rather ensuring that they have access to excellent support and acceptance within the evangelical church.  Particularly teens who are being bullied and/or are experiencing suicidality.

In my work, I sometimes encounter gay Christians and seekers who say they will never seek a home in the evangelical church. I have referred some of them to ECWR. Why? For one reason: if they cannot seek Christ within traditional evangelicalism, I want to encourage them to keep seeking Christ. This is one venue to do that. So, as you can imagine, I have a tremendous responsibility to those who I have referred to ECWR. I felt it was important for me to publicly clarify that Goss' work is not something I want to refer anyone to. That is the only motivation for my last post. As I said in the post, I am not looking for a debate. I feel strongly that Goss can severely damage a young person's search for Jesus Christ - especially young people without a faith/church background.

Why are you holding ECWR responsible for the Goss quote?

Answer: I think we all are held responsible for nearly every word we say or fail to say on a topic as challenging as homosexuality. I will illustrate my answer to your question like this: if Fred Phelps ever writes a book on grace or love, will I include it on Lead Them Home's website? Absolutely not, unless by some far-fetched chance his rhetoric truly demonstrates a radical change in heart toward LGBT people. Even in such an unlikely case, I would be held accountable by many for every horrible act of hate that Phelps ever committed. I place Goss in a similar category. He defames Christ to such a degree that ECWR should be cautious about placing a referral to him on their website. It is their choice. This is my view.  

I cannot believe you would criticize Dr. Ralph Blair for his work!

Answer: I did not criticize Dr. Blair. I never mentioned his name in my post. However, I was privileged to be contacted by him about my post. We had a very cordial conversation via email. I will keep our discussion confidential, but I think it is fine to say that we both passionately agree that Goss is not a healthy resource for anyone. He was quite kind, and our conversation was wonderfully helpful. 

Dr. Blair can be found at http://www.ecinc.org. ECINC and ECWR are not related even though both were founded by Dr. Blair. I never attributed anything in my last post to either ECINC or Dr. Blair - I attributed the Goss referral to ECWR. 

I hope these are helpful clarifications. Please feel free to contact me if you have further concerns. Thank you very much, Bill  

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January 25, 2012

My Struggle with Pro-Gay Theology

 I routinely encounter gay Christians who point me to various resources. One resource that regularly comes up is Evangelicals Concerned. A cursory review of this website yields a warm welcome and inviting atmosphere for LGBT people to seek and discover Christ. I celebrate that.

On their resource page, however, is a Book Review list that positively refers seekers to author Robert E. Goss. He is author of Queering Christ, a highly sexualized account of Jesus. I caution you that this passage is explicit and will be highly offensive to many - including many gay Christian friends. Here is Goss:

"My technique of meditative prayer was to envision Christ with me and experience him as a lover. Scott Haleman, Betty Dodson, and Joe Kramer argue that masturbation can be spiritual and can become a form of transcendental meditation. Masturbation can harness fantasies and sexual energy. When prolonged, it can stimulate and extend pleasure. When fantasies are focused into making love with Christ, the experience opens itself to a fundamental and profound consciousness of God. My visualizations of Jesus were certainly explicit, erotically envisioning various forms of making love to Jesus the Christ. I had sexual intercourse with Jesus. Sometimes he was the top, and sometimes he was the bottom. My relationship with Christ was mutual and deep."

Every time I investigate some seemingly beautiful path toward gay liberation theology, I run across statements, claims, interpretations and suggestions that quicken my spirit with caution. When I read a passage like this one, I hesitate. I run into roadblocks that give me pause. I ask myself. Does this look like the Jesus of the Bible? Does this nourish the peace that the Holy Spirit produces in my soul? 

My answer is no.

Lead Them Home focuses on nourishing faith in LGBT people; honoring gay Christians as our brothers and sisters in Christ; enhancing their welcome and inclusion within the evangelical church; and battling against bullying and gay teen suicide. That is the 99.5% of our work. Yet when it comes to who Jesus is, I honor HIM as the ultimate resource of biblical truth. 

Goss offers a sexually charged route to biblical interpretation, but this is not the Jesus of the Bible. I have no criticism of Evangelicals Concerned, and I support their efforts to create paths to Christ for many LGBT people who have been deeply wounded by faith communities like yours and mine. Yet I do pose a question: do you really believe that Goss represents a sound understanding of Jesus?   

This is not a debate. I accept whatever answer Evangelicals Concerned might offer. If they stand by Goss' sexualized account of Jesus, that would be valuable information to know.

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